Nine Inches Longer
by Ja-El987
Summary: James wants to embarrass Lily. Sirius wants to embarrass James. James does actually love Lily, but we're not supposed to know that yet. A Christmas story to get you in the mood. For Christmas, of course...


**Nine Inches Longer**

"Ooh Lily…" James sang in a sing-song voice across the Gryffindor table at the red head opposite him.

"What James?" Lily replied in a manner of impatience as she scanned the Daily Prophet quickly whilst hurriedly eating her sausage and egg.

"I want to give you an early present!" James announced now claiming the attention of at least half the great hall with his loud voice booming above the clatter of spoons on bowls.

"Present? What is the occasion?" Lily enquired looking up from her newspaper to peer at James suspiciously.

"Christmas!" James yelled at the top of his voice in his loudest voice yet causing an unnatural silence in the great hall as many faces turned to find the source of the noise.

"Christmas?" Lily replied uncertainly, "but its not-"

She was interrupted by James climbing atop of the table kicking aside her newspaper and opening his arms wide. His voice lifted high reaching the unreachable corners of the endless great hall as he sang.

"All I want for Christmas is YOU!" James took in breath to begin the next line but was unexpectedly interrupted by a certain handsome boy standing also on top of the table not far away from James.

"And…" Sirius sang as he captured the attention James had attained.

"Twelve Sexy Ladies" Sirius proclaimed

"What no, Lily he's lying I don't want-" James said to Lily but was cut off as Sirius continued.

"Eleven Raunchy Movies"

"Sirius shut up! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Ten Firewhisky's"

"I can have more than ten"

"Nine inches longer!"

"What! I don't need another nine inches! I'm big enough for anyone! Lily don't listen!"

"Eight Snapes a kneeling"

"Snapes a what! Gross Sirius! I am not gay!"

"Seven times with Lily"

"Seven! We could do it more than seven! I mean if you're ready of course Lily, I mean… err… Sirius!"

"Six Bras to try on"

"What! I do not try on bras! I have never done so in my life!"

"FIVE EROTIC DREAMS"

"Sirius stop now or I'll hit you so hard you won't remember where you were born!"

"Four random shags"

"…"

"Three porno mags"

"I… I… Why would I want porno mags? I…"

"Two massive tits"

"Sirius I am not a cross dresser and if you mean on a girl than I don't need them because Lily's are a fine size"

"And a rhubarb and custard cream!"

"What the hell!" James yelled as Sirius finished his song and took a bow to the stunned audience.

A moment later when Sirius had finished his bow, James was ready to hit him and Lily was unsure whether to slap James or Sirius, the whole hall erupted in laughter!

"Padfoot you are so going to regret that." James yelled as he advanced across the table to Sirius.

"I think not Jamesie" Sirius said triumphantly.

"Wait!" Lily shouted just before James reached Sirius, "It's not even Christmas! It's the beginning of November!" She yelled once again quieting the hall as they waited eagerly to here more.

"So!" Sirius replied "The girls already have breasticles so what's the problem November December it's all the same to me."

"Breasticles! What the heck are they?" Lily questioned.

"Breasts that are cold" Sirius replied as if it was something everyone knew.

"Sirius what are you on?" Lily murmured as she shook her head.

"Or" Sirius continued loudly, "Breasticles can also be another word for a male cross dresser, a man has testicles and breasts and therefore breasticles." The great hall was stunned into silence as Sirius smiled.

"Breasticles? What goes on in your head I do not know but I sure do not want to know either!" Lily said.

"What about my head Lily?" James said suggestively as he wiggled his eyebrows but Lily just smiled coyly and went back to her breakfast.

Luckily for Sirius, McGonagall stepped in before James could get to him and both were given detention and kicked out of the hall for disturbance at breakfast and inappropriate rhymes.

Later on that evening…

"Enjoy detention?" Lily asked as James entered the heads dorm.

"What do you think?" James replied as he sat down on the chair opposite.

"It was funny though" Lily said as she sat back in her chair.

"What? The song? Oh great getting embarrassed and all! Hilarious!" James replied sarcastically "Complete crap though!"

"Well, I agree with that: we could so do it more than seven times!" Lily winked and left the room heading upstairs to her room leaving a confused James alone.


End file.
